Last time in my blog you would have read I have already found the man of my dreams – after only one week of searching how lucky am I? For those of you that missed it, you can read about it here What Is A Whore These Days Anyway?
His name is Robert and is a Managing Director in the same field as me. Nice house, nice car, he was ticking all of the necessary boxes that you believe you’re looking for when you first start dating. Hey, this is the 21st century, surely if I’m internet dating it means I can get all of my boxes ticked. This has been far too easy!
It’s my first date in 16 years and I’m feeling a little nervous, surely one drink won’t hurt before I go?. I stroll around my bedroom trying on all my outfits feeling too fat for this outfit, not the correct handbag to go with that outfit, all the normal routines us women go through before a night out. My bedroom now resembles that of a messy teenage girl’s, there’s clothes all over and before I know it my glass of wine is now just a few drops rolling around aimlessly on the bottom. I top up the glass. Mind, somehow there’s only a little bit left in the bottle so I may as well finish it off…
I’m feeling a lot more relaxed and I make it to the venue before him so I message him to say I have a bottle on ice ready. Although I’ve seen a picture of Robert it was no bigger than a postage stamp. I knew from his picture he was hardly Brad Pitt, but I didn’t mind so much as he seemed really nice.
Just then a small man heads towards me and he has a huge grin on his face. My heart drops when I see him, he is about 4ft high and really not fanciable in the slightest. He sits down and that grin on his face widens and he tells me that he is pleasantly surprised at how pretty I am. I can’t react to him right now or even tell you what I’m thinking as his aftershave is burning my eyes and throat. Why on earth would someone cover themselves in pepper scented aftershave? I want to get up and walk away saying I’ve made a terrible mistake and really must go, but I decide to see it out and try not to be so shallow, he seemed like a nice man on the telephone.
He told me that he used to be a bouncer and looking at him sitting in front of me like a lost schoolboy I can hardly see it. The bouncer at the pub we are sitting in walks past us and Robert stops him in his tracks and asks if he recognises him. The bouncer looks totally confused and says ‘no I don’t recognise you’. Robert then takes off his glasses ‘do you recognise me now’? At this point the bouncer is looking like he wants to throw him out and is totally bemused by him. He politely again says ‘no’. Robert then takes it upon himself to pull his hair back so it looks like he has none and excitedly says ‘how about now’? The bouncer once again says ‘no I really don’t know who you are’. Robert then gets out an out of date security card and says ‘how about now? I used to be a bouncer’. I can see the card and it looks about ten years old. Robert is grinning from ear to ear like he’s part of a club and he’s friends with the bouncer, meanwhile I’m melting in my seat.
I decide the only way to get through this date is to drink some more wine. We chat about general life for a while before I head for the toilet and pull out my mobile to find an endless list of messages from my friends checking up on me to make sure I’m safe and asking how my night is going, including is he good looking? Will there be a second date? When all of a sudden my phone beeps and it’s Robert. The message says –I REALLY FANCY YOU BUT I’M NOT SURE IF YOU FANCY ME OR NOT. IF YOU DO WHEN YOU COME BACK SNOG ME SO I KNOW! I can hardly believe what I’m reading. No, Mr-Out-Of-Date security guard I do not fancy you and I will not be snogging you. I’m trying to think of a way to end this whole charade so I can just go home and sit in my lovely Pj’s.
I don’t want to date anymore, I’m sick of dating and I’ve only been dating an hour. I sit back down and as I do he is like an excited child and says ‘I text you when you were at the toilet’ and almost starts to giggle with excitement. ‘Did you not see it? Have a look, go on have a look’. I know what the message says and I don’t want to look at it or kiss him. I pretend to read the message and give a girly giggle to try and fob him off whilst taking another huge gulp of my wine. The bottle has now gone so we decide to order another.
He goes to the bar to get us another bottle of wine and when he comes back, he swings his legs over the bench that I am sitting on like he’s a cowboy about to mount a horse. He looks over at a site and nods towards it while pouring my wine, trying to act like the coolest guy in town and says ‘see that site I was going to buy it but they knocked me back’. I want to say of course they knocked you back you idiot, it’s a reserved site it’s part of English heritage. He then tenderly holds my hand and says ‘I really like you, I think I’m going to give you my email address’. Has he really just said that? I feel like I’m now part of some crazy dream. My only answer to that ridiculous statement is ‘what is the point in that, we have each others phone number’. I really am finding his behaviour more and more strange. We get on talking about children and I state that I would like another child and if I find the right man I will be happy to have another child. He then says ‘I could actually have unprotected sex with you tonight’ I nearly fall off my chair at this comment. I can’t believe he is being so stupid and I can’t believe I’m still sitting here, but again, it’s nothing another huge gulp of wine won’t fix.
Then all of a sudden, I don’t quite know what has happened. Its like he is changing in front of my eyes; he is actually getting more and more like Brad Pitt by the second. I even start to think he’s grown 2ft. How has that happened? How can it be? Oh wait, I think I know what it is….
This was supposed to be a blind date and I’ve ended up blind drunk!
As we head off to the next bar he turns to me and says ‘I really would like a kiss you know’. The next thing I know my lips are on his and I have my tongue down his throat. We continue walking and I see he has the most unusual walk, I wonder to myself what on earth is wrong with him. To my absolute horror, I look down and he has an erection. How on earth do you deal with a man who has an erection after a drunken snog? Imagine anything else and he’ll go off like a pop bottle.
In the next bar, I find myself telling him what a perfect man he is and how great he would be as a husband. I don’t quite know how it happened, but I vaguely remember us talking about our wedding, which apparently is happening in July this year. Have I just got engaged on a first date? I can hardly keep up with what is happening here.
He asks if he can book us into a nearby hotel and all I can say is thank god Mother Nature was visiting that night or I probably would have woken in some strange hotel after having had not only my first date, but also my first one night stand (unprotected as he suggested) and don’t forget the email address. Oooo the shame.
I eventually climb into a taxi – on my own – and that is the last time I ever see him.
I’m not proud to say it, but from then on I totally ignore him. My behaviour that night was beyond any kind of comprehension and I will from now on have to deal with my dating nerves in some other way that does not involve alchol!
Before I ignored him, I had the shame of a phone call off him the next morning which found him mostly cackling down the phone like a hyena. He made great delight in telling me that I (apparently) told him I loved him, that he should go home and have a wank and as soon as my period is over we could book a hotel and have unprotected sex to make babies in time for our July wedding……
So lesson number one I have learnt in the dating game is that I can’t assume because we get on in messages or phone calls that they won’t be weird when I get there and under any circumstances DO NOT GET DRUNK!!!